Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Stone Turning to Sand

I went back to my home church this last Sunday. I have stopped attending as often as I used to because it's such a far drive. I have attended some other churches nearby but some Sundays, I just like to sleep in.

It felt good to be back in a familiar environment and to have everyone greet me and ask how I was doing and that they missed me. A lot of things are going through my head nowadays but I wasn't quite prepared for the sermon to touch me in a particular area.

He preached on a few things but the one that stuck out to me was forgiveness. One of the quotes he mentioned is often said to have come from Mother Teresa but I've heard claims that that is not really true. Even still, it's very touching.

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." -Mother Teresa

I am familiar with this quote and have it on my facebook but the first line still rang true especially on that day. He also told a short little story that was touching.

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:


They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:


The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, “After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?” The other friend replied “When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”

By then, I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. What does forgiveness have to do with me, you might ask? My parents.

It's been a long two years and while my life has been very happy, there have always been points where I have felt deeply saddened that both of my parents no longer desire to be in my life. I tell people often that it has been easily the hardest part of my transition. I've cried many nights over them and even now, though thoughts of them don't enter my mind as much in daily life, they still exist.

Their actions are out of my control and yet there is something that still is in my control and that is forgiveness. I cried in church that day because I feel so hurt by them and I cling to that hurt so tightly....that I don't want to let go of it. The idea of forgiving my parents for hurting me like they have is overwhelmingly difficult to process.

Part of it is that I know by forgiving them, it does not mean they will change their ways or opinion of me and I will most definitely still be hurt by them in the future. But as the quote said, I really need to 'forgive them anyway' knowing full well that it was never between us really. It's something I need to do for me.

I have spent a lot of time and energy in expressing my hurt over my parents. I've blogged about it, video-logged about it, and talked with friends about it. I've imprinted it on many people's minds. In that way, I have written it on the stone instead of the sand. In fact, I've made it so personal that I've written it on my heart...in blood. And I need to let go. I need to wipe the slate clean, even if it is to only be filled up again. I need to do this for me, not them. Holding onto the hurt, the grudge against them and their actions, is only eating me up inside and adding negative energy to my life, even if subtly.

So on this day, Mom and Dad, I forgive you.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Sun is Shining

The hem on my skirt
is coming undone
and my parents still refuse
to be in my life.

But the sun is shining
I have ample clothes to wear
and supportive friends and family
that love me for who I am.

It's been two years now
since I started growing my hair
it's still not even close
to where I want it to be.

But the sun is shining
the body I have and the life I lead
are things many would give anything for.

Debts hover above me
I'm living month to month
building cashflow seems
almost impossible.

But the sun is shining
I have a job that pays the bills
an amazing car that gets me around
and much more than a roof over my head.

Sunburned face today
my skin isn't looking so great
and the bra I picked
makes my boobs look too small.

But the sun is shining
I'm a girl in the world
and guys still seem interested.

The sun is shining
my life is so amazingly good.

Monday, August 1, 2011

20 months on HRT

20 months of HRT: $820
~14 months of counseling: $460
22 months of laser: $5,000
Divorce and Bankruptcy costs: $1,700
~5 months of surgery and recovery and expenses: ~$31,000
New wardrobe and shoes: ~$2,000

Peace of mind from being the right gender finally: priceless.

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