Monday, December 3, 2012

How Mickey Became Minnie

Take a look at this link. It's a short blurb from a mother's perspective about her 15 year old son coming out as really being a girl. She notes in part of it that at some point, there was a switchover in her mind and looking at her son, she could see how he could be Minnie instead of Mickey. And yet it also describes her awkward feelings after seeing her newfound daughter in feminine clothing for the first time. Really a great post and probably a good blog to follow going forward.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Reel Grrls : Becoming Cephalopod

It's kind of corny but the message is really clear: Be you! =)
Becoming Cephalopod from Reel Grrls on Vimeo.

Friday, October 12, 2012


SPOILER ALERT: This post contains spoilers of the plot from the musical 'Wicked'. Read at your own risk.

This week, my friends and I went and saw the musical, Wicked. My own personal inspiration for wanting to see it was the song 'Defying Gravity'. I had first heard that song on Glee and had related to it so much that I quickly adopted it as one of my most powerful 'coping with being trans' songs. In fact, I believe you'll find it in at least one of my videos.

Anyway, everyone I knew raved about Wicked so I was excited to finally be able to see it. I went into it, the only expectation being that I would hear that song in action from the play it originated from. In fact, with some small suggestion from some friends, I decided to take it one step further and dress up as Dorothy (from the Wizard of Oz). Little did I know that I would relate much more to her enemy, Elphaba, The Wicked Witch of the West.

For those unfamiliar with 'Wicked', it takes place in Oz, long before Dorothy ever arrived, telling the story of Elphaba, a poor girl who was born with green skin and weird inherent magic ability that manifested itself through her emotions.

The story presents Elphaba in school, and as the crowd watches, she is feared, hazed, and rejected by her peers. At this time in her life, she seems pretty used to such chiding but you know it still hurts inside. Her teachers on the other hand, seem to praise her work and her abilities, some even promising that she may be given special invitation to the Emerald City to see the Wizard someday. I could relate slightly to her position in all of this as I was very unpopular growing up in school as well. Yet my teachers and parents praised me as I worked hard and did what they expected of me. This went beyond school for me, of course. I went on to live a life that my parents found pleasing and I found my own happiness in as well. In fact, like Elphaba, I didn't really know that the system I was being raised in was biased, even though clues presented themselves around me sporadically.

Then came the day that Elphaba had been waiting for her whole life. She received an invitation to see the Wizard of Oz himself. Part of her secretly hoped he could turn her green skin normal and yet her main objective was bringing her concerns about what the system was doing to the animal kingdom in Oz. You see, animals could talk in Oz but slowly, they'd been being silenced somehow, made to be like the dumb animals we know.

Elphaba's world is turned upside down when she is presented with the truth behind the change in behavior of the animals of Oz. Not only does the Wizard know of it but he's actually behind it all in the first place and he wants her to use her inherent magical ability to continue to take advantage of the animals and enslave them. Elphaba is horrified as her world comes crashing down. Everything she knew that was right is now wrong and she makes a sudden choice to change her life and go against the very system she was raised up with and praised in.

The Wizard knows that he can't have someone knowing the truth out there running free and so he proceeds in defaming Elphaba to the Emerald City and the whole land of Oz. He tells everyone that she is a 'Wicked Witch' and blames her for all of the troubles that Oz has had in the past, present, and future. She becomes a fugitive in her own land and retreats into hiding to try to rescue and shelter what animals she can.

This is where my relation to Elphaba gets stronger. Like her, later in life, I was suddenly faced with something that had been hidden from me about myself, my body, my whole world. Instead of stand back and try to live with the problem, I chose to do what was right in my heart and correct it. My parents and my church, the solid building blocks around my life, fell down around me at this choice and proceeded in defaming me. They called me wicked and evil and accused me of consorting with the Devil and some of them even suggested I needed an exorcism. All of this because I felt something they will never understand. And to even try to do so would mean questioning interpretations of their own upbringings; and they were unwilling.

Elphaba continues to try to fight the system but soon realizes that she just cannot win. In a last ditch effort, she fakes her own death by feeding the belief that simple water will make her melt. After the land praises her death, the audience sees that she is not really dead but she and her lover are free to leave the land of Oz permanently to live their own lives, happily ever after.

It actually hadn't hit me until now how I related to the ending. Earlier this year, I realized that I was getting nowhere with my parents. I had to let them go and move on with my life. It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done but it was needed. And like Elphaba, because I don't have the constant negativity and disappointment they kept bringing to my life, I am more happy and positive on a daily basis. Sure, there will always be days where I think of them, miss them, and cry but those times are few and far between now that I'm living my life and following my heart.

They may think it's wicked........but I know nothing has ever felt so right.

Monday, September 10, 2012

BA Joy

Breasts. I've written posts about them. I've been jealous of other women with them. Through HRT, I was able to grow my own but I've always ended up trying to make up for how small they were. Stuffing my bra, extra padded pushups, and cleavage creating bikini tops.

When I had Gender Confirmation Surgery, my mom said to me: "Now all the dysphoria is gone." I remember immediately replying "No, not quite. Yes a major part of it but until my breasts are proportional, I'll still feel out of sync with myself."

Over the last year, I've been modeling and I had someone mention that if I had breast augmentation that I might not be able to do runway modeling. My immediate response was that it didn't matter. I felt like my body needed that change and I would make do whatever the consequences were.

A lot of the time, people think that women get breast augmentation because it's something their boyfriend wants or perhaps to attract the attention of men. My boyfriend on the other hand, simply supports me and really loves to see me happy, knowing this was something I really needed for myself.

At almost one week post-op from having breast augmentation I have to say I'm really very happy. No the girls aren't quite fully healed yet and they have a long ways to go before they settle into place and yet I feel an overwhelming sense of joy.

The recovery and the pain have both been much much better than with GCS and yet I am just so surprised at the amount of joy I'm feeling at having this new weight and tightness on my chest.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

3rd Year Blogiversary

So my blogiversary was July 11th and I had planned to write something up for it but I guess with all of the things that are going on in my life, it slipped my mind.

But it's never too late to write, right? I'm posting it late but it'll show up as the correct date

So wow it's been three years since I started this blog.

My first post on the blog showed the readers the inner turmoil I was feeling while trying to continue to adhere to the lifestyle and beliefs that my parents raised me with while struggling with very obvious gender confused feelings.

My first blogiversary, I reflected back upon this after almost a year of transition behind me. I had lived full time as a woman at this point for about 6 months and had scheduled my Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS). I had obviously made peace with myself and had completely changed my life in many ways. I was had just finalized my divorce with my ex-wife and moved into my own apartment.

By the time I was at my second blogiversary, I had been on HRT for almost 2 years and was already 4 months post-op from GCS. I had met the man of my dreams (though I didn't know it yet) and had been continually dating guys. I began to feel less trans and less 'in between genders' and more like the woman I know I've always been inside.

Now at my third blogiversary, my blog posts have dwindled because there is not much "trans" about my life to really talk about anymore. I stopped dating late last year and decided since transition was "over", I needed to seek out new passions I'd never even dreamed of before. The results of that were volunteer video editing and modeling. Sometimes I can't believe just how much modeling has become a part of my life now. I went from maybe one shoot a month to five or six and then I realized I needed to throttle them better. 

I have a dedicated boyfriend whom I've been dating for almost 9 months now. I made a huge jump last year and changed jobs, gaining myself not only a nice pay increase but also work I've been more excited about, as well as an environment where nobody ever knew me as I was before. Finally, I moved in with my boyfriend after renting my own apartment for two years.

In conclusion, I suppose I just hope that my transition and life can be an example for any of you in similar situations, especially if you feel like I felt 3 years ago: so lost and forlorn. Take these things into account:

1. Anything is possible if you set your mind to it.
2. Only you can make the decisions you need to make for your life....nobody else.
3. It takes time. LOTS of time. Have patience and try to enjoy the time in between and getting to know a side of yourself you may have been forced to hide.
4. Think positive. There are lots of negative things about transition; so many you could get lost in them. Don't let them bring you down.

Thanks for being supportive readers and watchers and the best of luck to you all =)

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Goodbye Letter to My Biological Parents

I have been putting off sending this email because I didn't want to make a big deal about it and instead try to slowly fade out of your lives completely but your continued confusion as to why I'm not responding to you deems sending this email necessary.

Over the last couple years, I've tried to keep in contact with you and the rest of the family by inserting myself into your lives in the only ways you'd let me (ie: birthday/christmas gifts, mothers/fathers day cards, IM/email/text). I know you still want to talk to me and yet you don't feel like you can accept or support me.

While I have appreciated not being cut off completely from the family, I've come to realize that my continued presence (though small) has hindered our grieving and healing processes. This continued miniscule contact with me helps kindle the tiny spark of hope you have that someday your 'prodigal son' will return. Though your hearts might not want to believe it, I think you're both smart enough to understand that after more than two years through this process, the idea of trying to live the way I lived before is not only impossible but actually horrifying to me.

Also that same contact we've kept up has given me hope that you would someday come to accept and love me for who I am now, even if you don't agree with it. But again after two years of living this way, I don't really believe that will ever happen anymore.

So it is with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes that I am asking you to please not IM me, email me, or text me anymore. Please do not send me letters or gifts for birthday or holidays. If I find anything addressed to the wrong name, it will be returned to sender unopened. Emails will automatically be deleted by filters. I'll be changing my number and soon enough, moving to a different address as well. I'm asking you for my sake and for both of your sake to stop all contact with me until such a time as you can accept the fact that your son is gone and is never coming back. In turn, I will no longer interfere in your lives by sending you cards or gifts either.

If there does come such a day, later in your lives, where you realize life is too short to cut off family (no matter their gender or beliefs) and you truly want to get to know me and my new life, call me by my new name, be happy and proud for me in my accomplishments, get to know my wonderful boyfriend (and hopefully husband someday) and understand we are a heterosexual couple, there will still be avenues to reach me. I know you'll find a way if it ever becomes important enough for you.

Finally, please don't blame my ex or vitamins or hormone imbalances or online forums for any of this. I've said it plenty of times before: None of them made any choices for me. I made a choice; I am the one responsible; I am the one you should be blaming.

Above all, to both of you, please know that I don't hate you, I'm not mad at you, I miss you, I forgive you, and I will always love you.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

1 year post-op

It's hard to believe that it's already been a year since I had surgery. It's faded into my memory as a distant milestone in the past, taking with it the transition of someone who once lived a completely different life.

Many transitioners complain that once someone has surgery, they tend to fade into the distance and are never heard from again. After having gone through the process myself, I can completely relate to those desires. To some extent, I did fade away. My whole point of view changed because for all intents and purposes, transition had ended finally. The last year has been quite different from the year before where I was very much 'in between'.

My adopted mom recently asked me if I was going to celebrate the one year anniversary of my surgery and I was kind of surprised. I really hadn't considered it being something to celebrate persay. It was indeed a pivotal point in my life and yet in a lot of ways it wasn't. It was merely the end of the old life and a new beginning. I guess what I'm trying to say is as much of a big deal it's not a big deal. It's over and done with and I'd rather not celebrate it or remember it fondly. It was something I had to do and I did it and I moved on. And I'm happier for it.

That being said, most of you know I had a hard recovery and at one year later, I am pretty well satisfied with the results. I have seen my surgeon for a couple followups and will probably see her at least one more time this year. I haven't experienced a deeply intense orgasm like the few I had during transition yet but my sexual experiences are still very pleasurable. I do still smile at myself when I put underwear on in the mirror. =) I'm dilating about twice a week now and it's relatively routine and easy.

In conclusion, it's been a year and I'm happy and doing well. =)

Saturday, February 4, 2012

2 years full time

I was busy with other things today when I looked up at my calendar and noticed that today denotes 2 years since I went full time living as a woman. Actually it's hard to believe that it's only been two years. It feels like it's been forever.

I quickly switched over to two years ago on my blog and saw my coming out letter; for all the world to see. A lot of things have changed since this letter and in fact, that's why I don't post it as a separate reference link on my blog. It's just so out of date, having origins from before my Autotransography videos. I look back on it now and note the little changes that I would make to it if I had written it now but I won't change it. That is where I was at , in that moment in time.

I guess the reason I'm posting this stuff is that I hope to continue to give hope to others who maybe are just starting or worried about even starting the process. My blog has been al about my journey but I don't think it's an easy thing to just read straight through. So any time I can link back to things, I will do so for those that have not followed me through my journey.

I hope everyone of you out there who are still struggling through the journey of transition can get to this place in your life (or some place like it) where transition is mostly left behind and there is only life.

And life is good. =)

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

A different kind of mismatch

Last night, my adopted mother came over to give me my weekly estrogen injection and we ended up watching a movie together as well. But before the movie, I showed her my proofs from my newest fashion photo shoot.

As we went through the photos, I could tell she was experiencing a mix of bittersweet feelings: utter joy that her daughter has blossomed into the young woman that she is and yet mixed with it, a slight envy that she didn't get to transition earlier in her own life.

You see, my adopted mom transitioned in her 50's. When she was younger, the resources we have now did not exist. There were periods in her life where she thought about transitioning and didn't. She got married and helped raise 2 kids to adulthood before she couldn't stand it any longer. Personally, I don't know how she lasted so long. I'm not sure I would have had the strength to do such a thing myself.

A long time ago, I told her that I looked up to her because she transitioned without estrogen. Early into her transition, she experienced blood clots that have still to this day kept her from going back to HRT. I am unsure I could go on in a life without estrogen. I'm just not sure I'm that strong. But she does it everyday.

And yet even though she's transitioned from male to female, she still deals with a different kind of mismatched body, mind, and soul. It's one that even non trans people experience as well over time. Often when we get older, we don't feel older....we still feel young inside. And yet when we transition, we are starting over anew……like a baby or a little girl and yet we are still expected to act as our chronological age, whatever number that may be.

 I experience this myself. Throughout transition, I've often felt like a little girl, sometimes like a teenage girl, and yet other times like the working adult woman I am. I can only imagine what it must be like for my mom to feel the same way but having transitioned at an age almost 30 years later.

And so today Mom, you should once again know that I look up to you and admire you for being who you are. The loving, caring, wonderful woman and mother you are to me and the parent you still long to be for your other children. I truly hope someday they will somehow begin to realize the sacrifices you made by putting off your transition until they were grown.

I love you, Momma.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Arms to cry in

I must warn you that this post will probably be quite negative. I've said it before but I'll say it again....though life is truly amazing being able to live without facades, there are still its continuing downsides.

I sent one of my new videos to my Dad recently and he responded by saying that he probably wouldn't watch it because he couldn't stand to see me. At the time, it didn't really hit me emotionally and I basically told him that the video in question didn't include much of me but it was actually something special I'd put together. He'd already logged off by then. I ask myself why I bothered to send him that. I've made a lot of videos recently and I guess I was still somehow seeking his approval, his praise. It seems quite silly now that I tried to to seek such with little things like this when it's obvious my life choices have already nothing short of ruined his life.

Anyway, this was New Years Eve and I had a party to plan and get ready for. The night went on and the party went well and I'm very thankful for the family and friends I do have. At the end of the party, however, after everyone was leaving, something was said that triggered me to remember my dad and what he'd said earlier that day. You could say that drinking had lubricated my emotions and I found myself in tears. My boyfriend noticed that fairly quickly and in a rushed voice, said "Ok hun, get ready for bed and we'll talk". After we'd gotten ready for bed, I bawled my eyes out into his arms and somehow between my sobs, he made sense of why I was crying and just held me tight. And that's all that could be done and really what I needed too.

So life is definitely not always so happy and there are times when I just need to cry and be held. I'm thankful I have willing people in my life who are there for me, especially in those times. Then I can pick myself up and continue living life, concentrating on the many positive things that make it so amazing.

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