Tuesday, January 31, 2012

A different kind of mismatch

Last night, my adopted mother came over to give me my weekly estrogen injection and we ended up watching a movie together as well. But before the movie, I showed her my proofs from my newest fashion photo shoot.

As we went through the photos, I could tell she was experiencing a mix of bittersweet feelings: utter joy that her daughter has blossomed into the young woman that she is and yet mixed with it, a slight envy that she didn't get to transition earlier in her own life.

You see, my adopted mom transitioned in her 50's. When she was younger, the resources we have now did not exist. There were periods in her life where she thought about transitioning and didn't. She got married and helped raise 2 kids to adulthood before she couldn't stand it any longer. Personally, I don't know how she lasted so long. I'm not sure I would have had the strength to do such a thing myself.

A long time ago, I told her that I looked up to her because she transitioned without estrogen. Early into her transition, she experienced blood clots that have still to this day kept her from going back to HRT. I am unsure I could go on in a life without estrogen. I'm just not sure I'm that strong. But she does it everyday.

And yet even though she's transitioned from male to female, she still deals with a different kind of mismatched body, mind, and soul. It's one that even non trans people experience as well over time. Often when we get older, we don't feel older....we still feel young inside. And yet when we transition, we are starting over anew……like a baby or a little girl and yet we are still expected to act as our chronological age, whatever number that may be.

 I experience this myself. Throughout transition, I've often felt like a little girl, sometimes like a teenage girl, and yet other times like the working adult woman I am. I can only imagine what it must be like for my mom to feel the same way but having transitioned at an age almost 30 years later.

And so today Mom, you should once again know that I look up to you and admire you for being who you are. The loving, caring, wonderful woman and mother you are to me and the parent you still long to be for your other children. I truly hope someday they will somehow begin to realize the sacrifices you made by putting off your transition until they were grown.

I love you, Momma.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Arms to cry in

I must warn you that this post will probably be quite negative. I've said it before but I'll say it again....though life is truly amazing being able to live without facades, there are still its continuing downsides.

I sent one of my new videos to my Dad recently and he responded by saying that he probably wouldn't watch it because he couldn't stand to see me. At the time, it didn't really hit me emotionally and I basically told him that the video in question didn't include much of me but it was actually something special I'd put together. He'd already logged off by then. I ask myself why I bothered to send him that. I've made a lot of videos recently and I guess I was still somehow seeking his approval, his praise. It seems quite silly now that I tried to to seek such with little things like this when it's obvious my life choices have already nothing short of ruined his life.

Anyway, this was New Years Eve and I had a party to plan and get ready for. The night went on and the party went well and I'm very thankful for the family and friends I do have. At the end of the party, however, after everyone was leaving, something was said that triggered me to remember my dad and what he'd said earlier that day. You could say that drinking had lubricated my emotions and I found myself in tears. My boyfriend noticed that fairly quickly and in a rushed voice, said "Ok hun, get ready for bed and we'll talk". After we'd gotten ready for bed, I bawled my eyes out into his arms and somehow between my sobs, he made sense of why I was crying and just held me tight. And that's all that could be done and really what I needed too.

So life is definitely not always so happy and there are times when I just need to cry and be held. I'm thankful I have willing people in my life who are there for me, especially in those times. Then I can pick myself up and continue living life, concentrating on the many positive things that make it so amazing.

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