Tuesday, January 31, 2012

A different kind of mismatch

Last night, my adopted mother came over to give me my weekly estrogen injection and we ended up watching a movie together as well. But before the movie, I showed her my proofs from my newest fashion photo shoot.

As we went through the photos, I could tell she was experiencing a mix of bittersweet feelings: utter joy that her daughter has blossomed into the young woman that she is and yet mixed with it, a slight envy that she didn't get to transition earlier in her own life.

You see, my adopted mom transitioned in her 50's. When she was younger, the resources we have now did not exist. There were periods in her life where she thought about transitioning and didn't. She got married and helped raise 2 kids to adulthood before she couldn't stand it any longer. Personally, I don't know how she lasted so long. I'm not sure I would have had the strength to do such a thing myself.

A long time ago, I told her that I looked up to her because she transitioned without estrogen. Early into her transition, she experienced blood clots that have still to this day kept her from going back to HRT. I am unsure I could go on in a life without estrogen. I'm just not sure I'm that strong. But she does it everyday.

And yet even though she's transitioned from male to female, she still deals with a different kind of mismatched body, mind, and soul. It's one that even non trans people experience as well over time. Often when we get older, we don't feel older....we still feel young inside. And yet when we transition, we are starting over anew……like a baby or a little girl and yet we are still expected to act as our chronological age, whatever number that may be.

 I experience this myself. Throughout transition, I've often felt like a little girl, sometimes like a teenage girl, and yet other times like the working adult woman I am. I can only imagine what it must be like for my mom to feel the same way but having transitioned at an age almost 30 years later.

And so today Mom, you should once again know that I look up to you and admire you for being who you are. The loving, caring, wonderful woman and mother you are to me and the parent you still long to be for your other children. I truly hope someday they will somehow begin to realize the sacrifices you made by putting off your transition until they were grown.

I love you, Momma.

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