Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Arms to cry in

I must warn you that this post will probably be quite negative. I've said it before but I'll say it again....though life is truly amazing being able to live without facades, there are still its continuing downsides.

I sent one of my new videos to my Dad recently and he responded by saying that he probably wouldn't watch it because he couldn't stand to see me. At the time, it didn't really hit me emotionally and I basically told him that the video in question didn't include much of me but it was actually something special I'd put together. He'd already logged off by then. I ask myself why I bothered to send him that. I've made a lot of videos recently and I guess I was still somehow seeking his approval, his praise. It seems quite silly now that I tried to to seek such with little things like this when it's obvious my life choices have already nothing short of ruined his life.

Anyway, this was New Years Eve and I had a party to plan and get ready for. The night went on and the party went well and I'm very thankful for the family and friends I do have. At the end of the party, however, after everyone was leaving, something was said that triggered me to remember my dad and what he'd said earlier that day. You could say that drinking had lubricated my emotions and I found myself in tears. My boyfriend noticed that fairly quickly and in a rushed voice, said "Ok hun, get ready for bed and we'll talk". After we'd gotten ready for bed, I bawled my eyes out into his arms and somehow between my sobs, he made sense of why I was crying and just held me tight. And that's all that could be done and really what I needed too.

So life is definitely not always so happy and there are times when I just need to cry and be held. I'm thankful I have willing people in my life who are there for me, especially in those times. Then I can pick myself up and continue living life, concentrating on the many positive things that make it so amazing.


Caroline said...

The absolute priority of a parent is to cherish their child. Not the child of their dreams, the child which nature and fate, and if you think that way, god sends them. This is one gift you can't take back and exchange, the deal is all or nothing.

You say life choices. Sacrifice any chance of a decent life of your own for a far from decent parent not able to come to terms with a child with a well documented medical condition!

Look in the mirror, watch one of your videos.

His "life choice" has made "his life a misery" and he is a fool...

Corsetgurl said...

I know the feeling, as I'm sure our past conversations have already told you :D And it's not much, but it's what I can do from the other side of the country. Hang in there, cry when you have to, but know that we are standing beside you to support and love you for everything that you are and not what everyone else wants you to be!


Petra Bellejambes said...

Oh my dear, you know I hate to quibble but when you say " ...when it's obvious my life choices have already nothing short of ruined his life...", I must.

It is obvious to me that he had choices in how he responded. If his life is ruined it is entirely a matter of his personal choice. Not yours. Not a bit. Ever. Even by an ounce.

I understand the desire to root around in the past, but your comfort lies in the present.

xoxo - Petra

Debra said...

Thank you everyone. Sorry it took so long to respond.

Yes I know that I didn't 'really' make his life miserable....those words were almost said in sarcasm...I know that they think that is the definite truth but I don't believe it myself. But they are definitely words that make me cry.

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