Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Goodbye Letter to My Biological Parents

I have been putting off sending this email because I didn't want to make a big deal about it and instead try to slowly fade out of your lives completely but your continued confusion as to why I'm not responding to you deems sending this email necessary.

Over the last couple years, I've tried to keep in contact with you and the rest of the family by inserting myself into your lives in the only ways you'd let me (ie: birthday/christmas gifts, mothers/fathers day cards, IM/email/text). I know you still want to talk to me and yet you don't feel like you can accept or support me.

While I have appreciated not being cut off completely from the family, I've come to realize that my continued presence (though small) has hindered our grieving and healing processes. This continued miniscule contact with me helps kindle the tiny spark of hope you have that someday your 'prodigal son' will return. Though your hearts might not want to believe it, I think you're both smart enough to understand that after more than two years through this process, the idea of trying to live the way I lived before is not only impossible but actually horrifying to me.

Also that same contact we've kept up has given me hope that you would someday come to accept and love me for who I am now, even if you don't agree with it. But again after two years of living this way, I don't really believe that will ever happen anymore.

So it is with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes that I am asking you to please not IM me, email me, or text me anymore. Please do not send me letters or gifts for birthday or holidays. If I find anything addressed to the wrong name, it will be returned to sender unopened. Emails will automatically be deleted by filters. I'll be changing my number and soon enough, moving to a different address as well. I'm asking you for my sake and for both of your sake to stop all contact with me until such a time as you can accept the fact that your son is gone and is never coming back. In turn, I will no longer interfere in your lives by sending you cards or gifts either.

If there does come such a day, later in your lives, where you realize life is too short to cut off family (no matter their gender or beliefs) and you truly want to get to know me and my new life, call me by my new name, be happy and proud for me in my accomplishments, get to know my wonderful boyfriend (and hopefully husband someday) and understand we are a heterosexual couple, there will still be avenues to reach me. I know you'll find a way if it ever becomes important enough for you.

Finally, please don't blame my ex or vitamins or hormone imbalances or online forums for any of this. I've said it plenty of times before: None of them made any choices for me. I made a choice; I am the one responsible; I am the one you should be blaming.

Above all, to both of you, please know that I don't hate you, I'm not mad at you, I miss you, I forgive you, and I will always love you.

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