Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Apologies Post-transition

As I look back upon my transition, I admit I have some regrets. I'm sure I've spoken of them at one point or another but I feel like I need to elaborate.

When transition first began, I had come from a very dark place in my life to a grandiose time when every breath I took was treasured. I lived for every picture, every video, every time I could get out of the house and be seen and recognized for who I was. It's quite the feeling after years of not even being able to look in the mirror without disgust.

You could almost say I was in a state of euphoria and when you're in such a state, you often overlook things that are going on around you and justify doing things you might take longer to think about before doing. I did these things and I feel like I need to apologize.

When my parents told me I was no longer welcome at their house if I had nail polish on, I really could have given them that little bit of leeway and just taken the nail polish off. Especially considering my last birthday party with them was at stake and I stubbornly chose not to go instead of simply taking the nail polish off this one time. For that Mom and Dad, I'm sorry.

When I started blogging about my life and my marriage, I openly aired sexual activities not only of myself but also of my wife at the time. I used some of these as justifications to explain my story and yet by doing so, I took private experiences and inappropriately publicized them without even considering how my wife felt at the time. For that Baybo, I'm sorry.

When my grandmother (father's mother) died just one month after I began my transition, I took it upon myself to make my presence known at her funeral. Later on my parents would say that they asked me not to go and I will have not even remembered hearing it until I've looked upon past emails and seen them pleading with me to stay home; words I was too blind to see. Not only did this make the funeral uncomfortable for my parents but afterward it was also the first time they saw their 'son' in a woman's bathing suit in my aunt and uncle's jacuzzi. Talk about a shocking experience for any parent. For all of that, Mom, Dad, Aunt, Uncle...I'm sorry.

When my ex-wife and I divorced, I found myself blogging about our marriage and I look back on some of the things I said and realize I had belittled what we had together. The truth is my relationship with my wife was the best and closest relationship I'd ever had at the time and truly something special back then. Yet I belittled it so I could let it go and feel better about breaking things off for the sake of my transition and happiness. People often belittle others to feel better about themselves and I am a bit taken aback that I did such things myself. For that, Baybo, I'm sorry.

When my parents banned me from the house and refused to see me anymore, I was deeply hurt. It's a pain that cut deeper than anything I've ever felt before and still hurts to this day. And yet I lashed out instead of thinking and responding with a cool head. I blogged and video logged over and over about how they disowned me and I frankly just couldn't let it go. Even now, sometimes I have to stop myself or cut out portions of video that talk about the continued abandonment I've felt when it comes to them and yet it's beating a very dead horse. They were good parents growing up and they loved me. I justify my repetitive writings about them as a coping mechanism but the truth is I didn't/don't need to keep airing their rejection publicly. I'm sorry for that Mom and Dad.

I know we all have different lives now and none of these apologies change anything. They may even come across as empty considering they are just words when my past actions have already set the tone. That being said, I feel like they are worth mentioning. I don't regret my transition and I don't regret my divorce, nor do I think if I had not done these things, it would change the results of today and yet sometimes it's the little things we do along the way that matter. With these things mentioned, I'm sorry I chose otherwise.


shelleybear said...

My mother was worried about my transition.
She feared for my life, based on the stories she'd seen on the new and other media.
Yet, despite that fear, and her insistence that I not dress publicly, we would go shopping and she would train me.
Teach me how to dress.
How to look.
I think she got a fair degree of pleasure from it (though I base this on her actions, rather then her stated opinion.
However, her most telling reaction was a statement she made to me.
Learning how many of us lose so much, her reaction was to say something like:
Your child is your child. How could you disown them?

Petra Bellejambes said...

Your words are so much more than empty, and so important even though they do not change anything as you rightly say.

This is integrity Debra. It is also as profound an acceptance of the self as I have seen here in Blogburgh.

Do you feel at all like you have a chance to grow up, to become an adult again? How cool :)

You must feel really complete just now.

Admiringly yours,

Sarah McCoy said...

At one time or another, we all have done something that we regret.
In living life that is in front of us, we sometimes inadvertently hurt others.
Life is never easy.
We all have to take it one breath at a time.
Hopefully, if we have hurt others through our actions, we can in some way make things better in the present or the future.
On the other hand, life is not a one-way street.
Those who are a part of our lives have their life to lead, too. They must accept us for who we are. Not for who they want us to be. No matter how well-intentioned they may be.
All we can try to do is live the best life we can. Hopefully happiness eventually will find us.

Jenn B. said...

I've been following your transition for years, as my own transition has progressed. I just wanted to drop you a little note to say thank you.
I grew up in the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement on the east coast and when I came out at 27, my family turned their backs. Seeing that it truly does get better has been so encouraging :-) So once again, thank you!

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