Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Dating while trans: Not my narrative

So lately I’ve been dating again. My husband and I are splitting up. We are still seeing each other for now but I’m also seeing other people. It’s a weird situation but ironically it’s working well for us currently. 

But anyway, back to the dating part. For seven years I’ve taken for granted the fact that I no longer had to worry about people rejecting me for being trans. My husband has always been supportive and it’s never even been much of a subject we even talk about. I’m over it, I’m done. I moved on. 

But apparently once again I’ve been caught…..dating while trans. 

People that hang out with me nowadays have easily realized that there’s much more to my life than the fact that I transitioned from man to woman. I just don’t talk about it anymore and why should I? I have all the necessary parts for sexual copulation as a woman, I interact as a woman, I really am no different than other woman except that I can’t get pregnant. 

And yet I still run across guys that either take issue with my past or take issue with the fact that I don’t bring it up. The latter is almost even more frustrating than the obvious reactions reflected in the former. The fact that my body didn’t completely match up with my identity for a part of my life has no bearing on the present. I shouldn’t need to bring this up with every single person I meet, especially on a first date. It’s nobody else’s business but my own. 

One date stopped talking to me after the first date and we’d had a really good time together. I finally straight up asked him what was up and he told me he was upset I never brought up my trans status during our date;  that he’d dated other trans women and they had always brought it up. He said that because I hadn’t, I was being dishonest. I told him I didn’t see why that was important. If you like me as a person, find me attractive, and you can have sex with me, what the heck does it matter where I came from? It’s a literal piece of my medical history and it’s private. 

I am however very upfront with the fact that I don’t want kids therefore excusing the need to bring up the fact that I’m infertile. I’ve definitely never led a guy on in thinking I would have his baby. 

We don’t all immediately list out the surgeries or illnesses we’ve had when we meet someone so why does being trans have to be any different? I’ve been over it a million times that I don’t want to be a spectacle and I definitely don’t want to be ‘special’. I’ve tried my best to live a ‘normal’ life as a woman, taking on new hobbies and experiencing new things in this short life we have here on earth. Whether people are supportive or hateful, I’d just rather they skip over the my ‘trans status’ and look closer to who I am as a person instead. 

Don’t get me wrong, many trans individuals are happily out and proud and/or feel the need to tell people about their trans status. Some don’t even feel fully male or female and that’s their narrative and that’s completely valid but it’s not my narrative. 

I’m female. I’m a woman. That’s it.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

The truth about my parents (a Star Wars revelation)

“Do you know the truth about your parents? Or have you always known? You’ve just hidden it away. … Say it.” 
“They were nobody,” she says, fighting back tears. 
“They were filthy junk traders,” he says. “Sold you off for drinking money. They’re dead in a pauper’s grave in the Jakku desert. You come from nothing. You’re nothing....”
So I finally saw the new Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi. It was entertaining, had action and plot, and relatable characters. But of course, I was struck by the above fore-mentioned lines when Kylo Ren and Rey are talking about her parents. (spoiler alert)
There's a lot to unpack there, relatable sentiments and inversely relatable ones too. Rey was unfortunate to be born to parents who didn't want her and didn't deserve her. As Kylo states, they sold her off like she was only as good as the price she could get. 
My parents didn't sell me off, especially not as a kid. I had a pretty good life growing up but it has come to my attention that maybe they did not really want kids and maybe in truth, they never should have had them. What kind of parents reject their child and dismisses them, never wanting to see them again, especially after 28 years of life together? 
It's been 8 years now since I transitioned and I have to admit, I'm completely flabbergasted that these people I call my parents refuse to change; refuse to adapt with the world.....even for.....especially for their own child. 
Oh I've been in contact with my dad. If you've read previous posts, you know how well that has gone. Recently I also reached out to my sister and offered her the same scenario as my dad and mother, she can gladly keep in touch with me if she simply uses my name and female pronouns. Her response was about praying so she didn't respond in anger and then I never heard another word. Shortly after that, my father decided to stop calling me by the nickname he had compromised with too.....after he re-stated that I was still male to him and always would be. Yes, you've made your point, Dad. He's still blind to the world, blind to life, blind to happiness and unfortunately it has had an effect on his own health and happiness too. 
In 8 years, my parents have missed out on me finding myself, living my new life, adapting and learning how to be me and navigate this world as I've created a new reality around myself that better fit me, including my body, voice, career, friends, hobbies, romance, relationships. Through all of that, I've found happiness and contentment and even had the pleasure of being adopted into several families too. You could almost see me as Rey, using the force, transforming my life around me.
Unfortunately, my parents will never even wish to see the life I've carved out for myself. They wouldn't dare even take a peek at who I am now. Some would blame religion but in fact, they use religion as a crutch. The truth is, if their church had told them to 'buck up' and accept me, they would have tried. But because their church supports their complacency, they will never change; never adapt. Why? They just don't want to. They don't care enough about their child to understand what she wants or to even try to respect her with simple human decency. They'll never see how happy I have been these past 8 years and going forward.
And because of that, they've become nobody. And you know what? I've made something of my life and become somebody....somebody I'm proud to be. A friend told me recently that they loved how I was 'unapologetically myself'. It really struck a chord with me. They are right. I am. Some might call it entitlement and I definitely have had my share of privilege in this world, but I have also still had to fight for who I am and where I am today. And even though it's true, I worry about being 'outed' sometimes, that doesn't stop me from being me. I wear what I want, I act how I feel, and I live the way I think I should. 
Rey and me, we go way back, let me tell ya. We could even be sisters....and we left our parents in the dust in the Jakku desert. 

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