Tuesday, January 16, 2018

The truth about my parents (a Star Wars revelation)

“Do you know the truth about your parents? Or have you always known? You’ve just hidden it away. … Say it.” 
“They were nobody,” she says, fighting back tears. 
“They were filthy junk traders,” he says. “Sold you off for drinking money. They’re dead in a pauper’s grave in the Jakku desert. You come from nothing. You’re nothing....”
So I finally saw the new Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi. It was entertaining, had action and plot, and relatable characters. But of course, I was struck by the above fore-mentioned lines when Kylo Ren and Rey are talking about her parents. (spoiler alert)
There's a lot to unpack there, relatable sentiments and inversely relatable ones too. Rey was unfortunate to be born to parents who didn't want her and didn't deserve her. As Kylo states, they sold her off like she was only as good as the price she could get. 
My parents didn't sell me off, especially not as a kid. I had a pretty good life growing up but it has come to my attention that maybe they did not really want kids and maybe in truth, they never should have had them. What kind of parents reject their child and dismisses them, never wanting to see them again, especially after 28 years of life together? 
It's been 8 years now since I transitioned and I have to admit, I'm completely flabbergasted that these people I call my parents refuse to change; refuse to adapt with the world.....even for.....especially for their own child. 
Oh I've been in contact with my dad. If you've read previous posts, you know how well that has gone. Recently I also reached out to my sister and offered her the same scenario as my dad and mother, she can gladly keep in touch with me if she simply uses my name and female pronouns. Her response was about praying so she didn't respond in anger and then I never heard another word. Shortly after that, my father decided to stop calling me by the nickname he had compromised with too.....after he re-stated that I was still male to him and always would be. Yes, you've made your point, Dad. He's still blind to the world, blind to life, blind to happiness and unfortunately it has had an effect on his own health and happiness too. 
In 8 years, my parents have missed out on me finding myself, living my new life, adapting and learning how to be me and navigate this world as I've created a new reality around myself that better fit me, including my body, voice, career, friends, hobbies, romance, relationships. Through all of that, I've found happiness and contentment and even had the pleasure of being adopted into several families too. You could almost see me as Rey, using the force, transforming my life around me.
Unfortunately, my parents will never even wish to see the life I've carved out for myself. They wouldn't dare even take a peek at who I am now. Some would blame religion but in fact, they use religion as a crutch. The truth is, if their church had told them to 'buck up' and accept me, they would have tried. But because their church supports their complacency, they will never change; never adapt. Why? They just don't want to. They don't care enough about their child to understand what she wants or to even try to respect her with simple human decency. They'll never see how happy I have been these past 8 years and going forward.
And because of that, they've become nobody. And you know what? I've made something of my life and become somebody....somebody I'm proud to be. A friend told me recently that they loved how I was 'unapologetically myself'. It really struck a chord with me. They are right. I am. Some might call it entitlement and I definitely have had my share of privilege in this world, but I have also still had to fight for who I am and where I am today. And even though it's true, I worry about being 'outed' sometimes, that doesn't stop me from being me. I wear what I want, I act how I feel, and I live the way I think I should. 
Rey and me, we go way back, let me tell ya. We could even be sisters....and we left our parents in the dust in the Jakku desert. 

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